A Small Stone Spreads Vast Ripples

I live a fairly physically isolated life - 99% of my friends are online, most in other states and countries.  The few people I know outside of the Web aren't close enough friends to sit down and discuss deep personal topics with.  Therapists cost too much, bartenders don't care, and strippers cost more than a therapist does (heh).

So, every 3-4 months I take a weekend as INTROSPECTION WEEKEND - I spend all weekend looking at what I've been doing and where I'm heading, basically a 2 day long reality check.  This helps me maintain a reasonable perspective on my life and my goals, without spending hundreds of dollars or imposing on one of my Web friends too much.

Well, this weekend was pretty productive, and there will be some minor and some major adjustments in direction based on my discoveries and analysis.  I think it will be all for the better in the long run, certainly it's going to reduce my stress level a great deal.

In summary:

No more fighting myself to write novels/novellas.  I simply don't have the temperament to spend six months plus producing something that my mind is screaming at me should have been wrapped up in around 8000-10000 words.  My entire life has been fast multiple iterations to produce a product in less than 8 months and that has deeply penetrated every aspect of my life, even the creative.  Short stories, Web comics, poetry.. fine.  Novels and novellas, forget it!  Stop stressing myself out fighting my nature!

Second: I give up, I'm going to end up writing code as my career the rest of my life.  Due to issue #1 above, trying to become a decent-selling novel writer isn't going to happen.  Short stories won't pay my rent and computer habits.  I'm getting too old to retrain myself without quitting work for a year to focus on it and I don't have those resources.  So, I'm going to quit berating myself about and focus on ENJOYABLE personal projects and not stress-inducing high-pressure activities that net me nothing but ulcers.

Lifestyle changes: no more strip clubs, period.  That part of my has lingered on 5 years longer than makes any sense whatsoever.  Yes, I met a dancer and we fell in love once.  Yes, she died of Type 1 diabetes.  No, it's not happening again.  Time to face the face I've been waiting for lightning to strike the same place a second time and move on finally.

So, I have 2 Web comics I'm going to work on because it's going to be fun (damn it) and I'm going to enjoy using my writing AND art skills to produce interesting and humorous stuff - without a deadline.  Same for my Lovecraftian/weird fiction short stories, they start when I start 'em and they're done when I finish 'em, no deadlines, no pressure.

My day gig is stressful enough, why make my own life MORE miserable?  It's dim.

Nest reality check weekend will be in September.  Wheeeee!

Catching up...

Been a while since my last blog here.

I've mostly been focused on my Red Room authors blog, as I'm trying to push my writing to the next level.  I tend to blog non-writing things here, so if you want my babbling verbiage on writing hit Red Room.

I'll be 54 on May 20!  I've taken some time off, the 17th/20/21st, to have some fun, go to Michigan and catch up with a family reunion, and the like.  Then home and back to work the 22nd!

At one time I was pretty sure I wouldn't see 54.  It's been close a few times, but somehow I made it.  Amazing.  I might reach 60 at this rate!

On house-hunting: I'm not any more!  It sounds weird, but the ValuePlace Inn is actually about the best deal in the world for me.  Most studio apartments in Austin run about $950 a month anyway PLUS utilities, so the $1100 I'm paying is in range - AND I get weekly maid service!  Sure, the neighbors can be annoying, but it's no worse than any apartment complex I've lived in.  Also, almost NO KIDS  - so no running/screaming/etc when I'm trying to think or create.  It's 4 miles from work, on a major bus route to an even more major transit center, tons of food within 2 blocks, a Pizza Hut that delivers and makes great chicken wings, a store that sells a ton of good beer, and an urgent care medical center in the mall next to us.

Of course, there are downsides: no oven (2-burner stove top and microwave), very small so there's no room to set up a guitar-based music studio, sometimes the neighbors are loud, and having to pay rent every Thursday.. but that's negligible.

It's the perfect place to hole up and focus on writing.  I can work on my 3D art as well, and the computer desk now holds my Alesis Qx25 MIDI controller so music composition/performance is possible.

If I had a wife and/or kids, or a ton of stuff, this would NEVER work.  But I've gone all minimalist and I'm happy, so there I'll stay while I write and save up money!

In medical news: the doc says I should get out of my walking boot in early/mid June, and move to an ankle brace/support.  That fits INSIDE a shoe so at that stage, I'm back to kind of normal.  I'll limp the rest of m life, but big deal - it's a good excuse to own a pimp cane!  Got to turn life's lemons into lemonade.

Ugh, back to work!

Dreams, nightmares, visions, and boring stuff

Ah, sleep deprivation!  It's a wonderful inspiration.. not for programming so much, though.

I've been having some seriously odd dreams lately, I'm not 100% sure of the reason.. stress, the above-mentioned sleep loss, food (HOT HOT wings), or just being alone at last and starting to relax at home a bit now that things are stabilizing.

I don't keep a dream journal any more, but I do recall most of my dreams in the morning, and if anything seems meaningful I'll type it into my laptop.  One thing they've been useful for is story ides, I'e had 4-5 dreams that will make great weird fiction stories!

I've located two online e-zines that take story submissions.  Time to get my butt in gear and write, write, write!  I have two weird fiction shorts in progress and a few ideas for others, so I have plenty of material to get rejected (heh).

Work proceeds apace, lots of new product development, new code, bug fixing, and other things that are keeping me gainfully employed.  Nothing super-exciting or new, but it's steady and interesting work, so I'm not ready to polish my resume quite yet.

Not much on the music or 3D front.  While my DAW (digital audio workstation) program is quite usable on the laptop screen, my 3D applications are a pain as the icon-based interfaces and menus end up TINY.  Near instant eyestrain isn't conducive to creativity, so the 3D thing remains on hold until I get a laptop with a 17 inch screen (later this year).

I hope to start composing again this weekend, when I'm not writing.  I have some soundscape/cinematic pieces in my head I'd love to make real!

Book Buying Binge!

I love to read, and since I've brought my Tablet PC home I end up reading myself to sleep more often.

It's Payday, so I went berserk and loaded up on Kindle books.  Mostly history this time around: Medieval Europe, Inca, and some general European history books.

I love reading history and mythology.  The more I learn the more interesting my writing becomes as I have a bigger and bigger base of information to draw on.  Not to mention I get a TON of story ideas out of it!  Lots of great plots and ideas for fantasy and horror fiction, you can't beat that!

Blech, feeling flat today.  Note that it's hard to sleep well with a broken foot if you tend to roll over alot!

Kow Bell Insanity!

I finally sat down with Tracktion, my effects plugins, and my massive loop library and finished off a challenge song - a song consisting almost completely of cowbells!

I now have seven minutes of cowbell samples being tortured, twisted, broken, shifted, and mangled.. along with some cow moos and a couple of pretty angry chickens.

This one guy always wants more cowbell, so, this should sate even his insane lust for the bell of the cow!

Kow Bell Insanity

Don't listen if you value your mind!

Variety is the Lice of Spite

Or something like that.

I've been blogging almost daily on my Red Room site, which is nice as it's good practice and discipline.  My traffic has gone way up since I've been more active, as well.  I must be doing something right!

On the home front, much scrivening at home, several small flash fiction pieces out and most of the chapter outline for Threshold completed.  I'm going to stay in my writers den at the ValuePlace Inn for the foreseeable future as it's affordable, near work, and let's me focus on work and writing.

I hope to work on some music this weekend, as well.  Balance, balance, balance!

As to work?  It's been crazed!  I'm shifting back and forth between embedded C and C#/.NET programming almost every day, it's a lot of fun and it's hard to get bored.  I'm currently working on a data acquisition and visualization tool for optimizing the performance of an embedded device I wrote the code for.. it's pretty cool.  Plus I get to add data visualization and .NET to my resume (heh).

Not much else going on, just trying to let the foot heal and trying to stay healthy.  I'm putting in those 40 hur weeks to save up for the chat meet in Las Vegas in May! Whee!

School Daze

Every so often, I think about going back to school.

Having no degree has in a few instances shut off jobs from me, which is irritating as I've shipped more commercial products than most degreed folks.  It likely wouldn't make me more money at this point in my career, but it could open more doors.

There are a plethora (today's vocabulary word) of issues, though.

First and foremost is TIME.  Now, while I can free up some time in the evening and on weekends this will cut into my writing time and decompression time from work.  I could find a part-time job and do that to free up more time with a serious dent in my income, a hazard if anything bad should happen to me.  Which leads me to...

MONEY.  If I went to a physical school, that would take hours off of my work week and drop my income.  The least expensive accredited online school I can find is $960 a course.  Going to UT would set me back about $12K PER SEMESTER (!!).   If I banked about $100K I could probably get my degree in 3 years of insanely hard work, but then I'm 3 years behind on technology AND 3 years older AND broke.

Last, but not least, is.. REASON.  After a long hard look back, I've been turned away by HR because I don't have a degree - before even reaching a manager - about 8 times in the past 10 years.  That's way down in the statistical noise.  Being a contractor, almost every employer I've spoken to was interested in one thing: production.  Can I produce? Will I fit? Do I have the necessary skills? If yes on all 3, I get the job.  Degree? Not necessary.  So why on Earth am I considering such a thing?

Well, I've been thinking about a non-Computer Science degree, like a BFA in Creative Writing.  This would serve my career change well.. if I want to write for someone else as a living (which I really don't).  Will a BFA help me sell more books?  Unlikely.  Will it teach me anything I can't teach myself?  Again, unlikely.

Bottom line is: forget it.  It's not worth the overall cost vs. the return on investment. The money is better spent on focused classes, seminars, private tutoring and lots of self-study courses.

Of course, I'll go through all this angst again next year.. feh!