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Sunday, January 25, 2015

The past is like pain..

Have you ever woken  up in the morning, feeling like you've made a huge mistake but there's no going back?

Welcome to my life.

One of the worst things about getting old is how regrets pile up.  When I was 25, the world was all in the future, what did the present matter but to be  a place for me to run wild?  No regrets, no worries, just flow in the Now, tomorrow will take care of itself..

..except that it didn't.  The Piper waited, because he will always be paid, in blood for that matter.

The memories are nightmares now, the things I have done an Albatross on my neck, the bright flames of Life now dark ashes waiting for me.  And while there are things I might, with immense hardship, fix.. there are places that, with all my power, I cannot reach.  I have done things that I cannot repair, lost people I can never see again.

Some things, my friends, are eternal.  Be careful with your decisions, they will define you.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Work Makes My Brain Hurt!

Things at the office have become horrifically complex.  I've had to cobble together, using wires/breadboards/modules and/or discrete components to create a "wire-connected" prototype of the actual hardware so we could get software development going.  My work area looks like I'm a hardware designer! I have an LCD wired into a breadboard wired into a microcontroller prototyping board, with a motor control evaluation board ALSO wired into it through a breadboard, and finally an Ethernet controller I'm wiring up.. it looks like a nightmare and I've had the enginering department manager tell me he can't believe it works at all.

Nor can I, actually.  This is the most complex bread-boarded prototype I've seen in all 35+ years of my life as a software engineer.

I suppose I should shut up about it.  This company has paid me to learn to do basic hardware design, a VERY useful skill.  I'm also the only software guy,so I get to do it all.. drivers, graphics, apps, the works.

It'll look GREAT on a resume', should I survive all this.

I disprove the "Can't teach an old dog new tricks" saying, even if I'm not a dog.  I am old, though.  And having to learn new things quickly, and many new things at once, while actually producing working circuits and code is a real strain on me.  If I had a family, I'd likely have quit this job months ago.

So, my brain hurts again, even as people get all excited that my spit-and-bailing-wire hardware makes a cute little motor spin round and round (and let me tell you, it's NOT easy to make it happen).  hat's a major milestone!  Grabbing a six pack of microbrew tonight, going to put on some metal, get into chat, and finally relax!

Until tomorrow, anyway.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Getting Old Sucks, 2015 Edition

Yep, there seems to be no way around the inevitability of old age.  Well, FEH!

Used to be I could knock down a couple of bowls of chili, tons of spicy queso dip, and beer.. and wake up the next day as perky as ever, no "unwanted side effects".

Apparently, those days are over.

So, here I sit, trapped at home with my body telling me, clearly and in no uncertain terms, to "stop that".  And, as much as I hate to do it, looks like over-indulging in even semi-spicy foods is now off my activity list.

Le Sigh.

Oh well, at least I can work on my music between bouts of, erm, you can guess.  Ouch.

It's mild chili and queso for me.  Blech, BORING! But beats the side-effects!

Friday, January 9, 2015

Miss Ellanious

What a wild New Years.. urgh, still feel tired from it all.

Doing a ton of work on my first full-length album, and it's proceeding well.  I've been cleaning up my computer and optimizing it for audio, all of my art now is 2D for album/track art, the 3D art tools are getting archived for now, and the trimming down of hobbies has improved my optimism that I can pull this off.

Oh, and I got another track on a compilation!  See my music site for details.

Work, argh, ugh!  The electrical engineer (my friend) is out of the hospital after back surgery.. poor dude is in a fair amount of pain.  I'm muddling along as best I'm able, learning very basic electronics and circuit design.  Weirdness abounds, but progress is being made.

Tulsa winters BLOW.  In Austin 30F was as cold  as it got, here we've hit sub-teens several days in a row.  Next contract - FLORIDA!  Tired of freezing already.. meh.

Football all weekend, with bouts of recording.  Way too cold to go out, going to have food delivered.. likely pizza and Chinese, and some sushi.

GO RAVENS! GO PACKERS!

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Scary Christmas!

Once more, it's the time of year when Sandy Claws comes down the chimney,steals your food, and drops off some of the goods his slave labor force created.  I swear Santa stole the entire six pack of rare microbrew beer I had last year.

And what better time of the year to add some balance to the world and kick off the production of a new dark ambient album?  It seems perfect!

As the New Year approaches, it's typical that I become very introspective, looking back on the year and deciding what changes to make.  It seems as if my music is taking off, I've been contacted by the head of a netlabel (online music label) telling me he'd like an opportunity to promote an album, if only I would make one.

Now, over the past years I've lost a lot of my ability to focus on anything for days/weeks at a time.  As with NaNoWriMo, I worry that 6 tunes into the album, I'll flake out.  BUT - with no time pressure, and each completed track an entity unto itself - I think this is a different enough situation that it's an achievable task.

I guess I'll find out.

Anyway, I wish you all a SCARY CHRISTMAS and a SAPPY GNU EAR!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

The engines canna stand the strain!

I think I need fresh dilithium crystals!

Hit 2800 words on my NaNoWriMo novel and have now had writers block for two weeks.  Honestly, I'm getting more stressed out about it than it's worth, so before I blow a gasket I'm giving up.  There are more interesting paths to pursue...

I had a guy on SoundCloud ask permission to play a couple of my tracks on his Web radio show "blind flight".  I've found another place to submit my music for publication SPECIFICALLY asking for dark ambient tracks.  And I've found a way in my video app to morph, mix, and mangle stills into surrealistic nightmares that I can compose soundtracks for, so I an load my music on a YouTube channel.

So far, my music seems to be the only thing going anywhere.  I can't seem to force, coax, or coerce myself into writing anything of any length, so I declare that part of my creativity burned out (le sigh).  But my 3D work inspires my music inspires my 3D art, so they feed off each other, and I don't feel any stress when engaged in either pursuit.. I focus on sound&image for now.

Work goes extremely well, so that's one less source of stress.

Until later!

Monday, October 20, 2014

October 20

I freely admit I'm a bit drunk right now.

On October 20, 2003, my love and life Sabine  Sklar went into a diabetic coma, and never came out,  She died shortly thereafter.

Every October 20, whether or not I consciously know it, I go into deep mourning.  I know, I know, get over it and move on, well try having the woman that made your soul sing pass away, then get back to me. I will fight, and being the Serpent I am, I always win.  Sad.

I love you Sabine, I have made you immortal with my poetry, and I can only hope that once the Goddess lets me go, I will spend as much of my existence as I can with you.

I love you beyond life, beyond meaning, beyond reason.

I miss you.