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Friday, January 30, 2015

Fate can Grate

I'm an incredibly stubborn person.  Even before I knew what a Taurus was (lol) and I still think most astrology is off base.  But.. still.. geesh am I stubborn.

When I get pushed on, I tend to push back.  Especially if it's not ME pushing on ME, if I do it, fine.. but an outside force? FEEL MY HORNS!

What brought this rant on?  There was a woman I met online.. lovely, amazing woman.. super personality.. a smile like the sunrise.  We clicked immediately, and hard.

Of course I felt like this was a real imposition on my life.  Me, free-swimming single nomadic programmer, finding a lady to settle down with? NEVER! Dig in, horns out, and SHOVE LIFE BACK!

This worked out about as badly as you could imagine.  Stress level into the stratosphere, poor sleep, nightmares, reduced productivity (not that anyone noticed), digestive system went to Hell (that's where my stress goes), all kind of lovely misery.

But still, I PUSHED BACK!

This definitely would not have ended well for me.  My foot wounds weren't healing, my blood glucose was up despite my meds.. not a good prognosis.

Then, somehow, I managed to grab myself by the scruff of my own neck (bad visual, I know) and shake myself Real Hard.  I knew that if I kept this up I'd never finish an album, or compose anything that would survive my brief time in the Sun.

So, finally, The Engineer stepped in and told me what I needed to do.  And damn it if He wasn't right.

I quit writing because, while I was good at it, it stressed me out extreme.  I dropped working on an animated short film.  I reduced my artwork to pinup stills and album art.  And I focused only on ambient, light and dark. And I admitted that I needed someone in my life to spark off of.  That was the hardest thing, to admit I wasn't complete in myself.

And now, I have my music on 3 compilations, soon to be four, I'm making great progress on my album, my blood pressure is near normal WITHOUT DRUGS, my blood glucose is stable again.. and I sleep like a brick.

My lady? We are back together, and I've never been happier in my life.  She inspires me to create happy music, and she makes me feel.. well.. needed.

When there is midnight, there is also dawn.

Be well, my friends!

Sunday, January 25, 2015

The past is like pain..

Have you ever woken  up in the morning, feeling like you've made a huge mistake but there's no going back?

Welcome to my life.

One of the worst things about getting old is how regrets pile up.  When I was 25, the world was all in the future, what did the present matter but to be  a place for me to run wild?  No regrets, no worries, just flow in the Now, tomorrow will take care of itself..

..except that it didn't.  The Piper waited, because he will always be paid, in blood for that matter.

The memories are nightmares now, the things I have done an Albatross on my neck, the bright flames of Life now dark ashes waiting for me.  And while there are things I might, with immense hardship, fix.. there are places that, with all my power, I cannot reach.  I have done things that I cannot repair, lost people I can never see again.

Some things, my friends, are eternal.  Be careful with your decisions, they will define you.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Work Makes My Brain Hurt!

Things at the office have become horrifically complex.  I've had to cobble together, using wires/breadboards/modules and/or discrete components to create a "wire-connected" prototype of the actual hardware so we could get software development going.  My work area looks like I'm a hardware designer! I have an LCD wired into a breadboard wired into a microcontroller prototyping board, with a motor control evaluation board ALSO wired into it through a breadboard, and finally an Ethernet controller I'm wiring up.. it looks like a nightmare and I've had the enginering department manager tell me he can't believe it works at all.

Nor can I, actually.  This is the most complex bread-boarded prototype I've seen in all 35+ years of my life as a software engineer.

I suppose I should shut up about it.  This company has paid me to learn to do basic hardware design, a VERY useful skill.  I'm also the only software guy,so I get to do it all.. drivers, graphics, apps, the works.

It'll look GREAT on a resume', should I survive all this.

I disprove the "Can't teach an old dog new tricks" saying, even if I'm not a dog.  I am old, though.  And having to learn new things quickly, and many new things at once, while actually producing working circuits and code is a real strain on me.  If I had a family, I'd likely have quit this job months ago.

So, my brain hurts again, even as people get all excited that my spit-and-bailing-wire hardware makes a cute little motor spin round and round (and let me tell you, it's NOT easy to make it happen).  hat's a major milestone!  Grabbing a six pack of microbrew tonight, going to put on some metal, get into chat, and finally relax!

Until tomorrow, anyway.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Getting Old Sucks, 2015 Edition

Yep, there seems to be no way around the inevitability of old age.  Well, FEH!

Used to be I could knock down a couple of bowls of chili, tons of spicy queso dip, and beer.. and wake up the next day as perky as ever, no "unwanted side effects".

Apparently, those days are over.

So, here I sit, trapped at home with my body telling me, clearly and in no uncertain terms, to "stop that".  And, as much as I hate to do it, looks like over-indulging in even semi-spicy foods is now off my activity list.

Le Sigh.

Oh well, at least I can work on my music between bouts of, erm, you can guess.  Ouch.

It's mild chili and queso for me.  Blech, BORING! But beats the side-effects!

Friday, January 9, 2015

Miss Ellanious

What a wild New Years.. urgh, still feel tired from it all.

Doing a ton of work on my first full-length album, and it's proceeding well.  I've been cleaning up my computer and optimizing it for audio, all of my art now is 2D for album/track art, the 3D art tools are getting archived for now, and the trimming down of hobbies has improved my optimism that I can pull this off.

Oh, and I got another track on a compilation!  See my music site for details.

Work, argh, ugh!  The electrical engineer (my friend) is out of the hospital after back surgery.. poor dude is in a fair amount of pain.  I'm muddling along as best I'm able, learning very basic electronics and circuit design.  Weirdness abounds, but progress is being made.

Tulsa winters BLOW.  In Austin 30F was as cold  as it got, here we've hit sub-teens several days in a row.  Next contract - FLORIDA!  Tired of freezing already.. meh.

Football all weekend, with bouts of recording.  Way too cold to go out, going to have food delivered.. likely pizza and Chinese, and some sushi.