I'm an incredibly stubborn person. Even before I knew what a Taurus was (lol) and I still think most astrology is off base. But.. still.. geesh am I stubborn.
When I get pushed on, I tend to push back. Especially if it's not ME pushing on ME, if I do it, fine.. but an outside force? FEEL MY HORNS!
What brought this rant on? There was a woman I met online.. lovely, amazing woman.. super personality.. a smile like the sunrise. We clicked immediately, and hard.
Of course I felt like this was a real imposition on my life. Me, free-swimming single nomadic programmer, finding a lady to settle down with? NEVER! Dig in, horns out, and SHOVE LIFE BACK!
This worked out about as badly as you could imagine. Stress level into the stratosphere, poor sleep, nightmares, reduced productivity (not that anyone noticed), digestive system went to Hell (that's where my stress goes), all kind of lovely misery.
But still, I PUSHED BACK!
This definitely would not have ended well for me. My foot wounds weren't healing, my blood glucose was up despite my meds.. not a good prognosis.
Then, somehow, I managed to grab myself by the scruff of my own neck (bad visual, I know) and shake myself Real Hard. I knew that if I kept this up I'd never finish an album, or compose anything that would survive my brief time in the Sun.
So, finally, The Engineer stepped in and told me what I needed to do. And damn it if He wasn't right.
I quit writing because, while I was good at it, it stressed me out extreme. I dropped working on an animated short film. I reduced my artwork to pinup stills and album art. And I focused only on ambient, light and dark. And I admitted that I needed someone in my life to spark off of. That was the hardest thing, to admit I wasn't complete in myself.
And now, I have my music on 3 compilations, soon to be four, I'm making great progress on my album, my blood pressure is near normal WITHOUT DRUGS, my blood glucose is stable again.. and I sleep like a brick.
My lady? We are back together, and I've never been happier in my life. She inspires me to create happy music, and she makes me feel.. well.. needed.
When there is midnight, there is also dawn.
Be well, my friends!